So Tuesday sucked, but yesterday and today were great!

Wednesday- Orientation again. And Library Orientation (just in case I didn't know how to google....) We were still in the large group of 38 and there were still interpreters there, I don't know how much I would enjoy interpreting. But, I know how much interpreters are needed and would feel guilty if I chose to do something else. I guess we'll see. Got my books ($1020.00 later. I was like, WTF, seriously? For paper and binding?) and my ID (Can we say pasty picture? And WTF was I thinking tying my hair back?). Finished at 3:00p.m., can't complain.

Today- First actual day of classes. They broke us up into groups of 19. Tyler and Phoebe are not in my group (pouts) but they will shuffle us around in December so hopefully I will be with one or both of them. I am with Ashley, Irina, and Rosie though. Yay. Irina was an interpreter in Russia but she doesn't know American Sign Language. I was SO SO SO very lost for the first 20 minutes of Deaf Culture and Community. I don't know how to read my instructor Vincent. His signing is so different and he has a beard so I can't read his lips. I have one (of 4) hearing instructor. We're allowed to talk in her class, lol. It's a nice break. Seriously, I am not allowed to talk from 8:30a.m.-3:10p.m. and I only know ENGLISH! I don't know ASL yet. Is painful at times.

 

Going out to a movie with Tyler tonight. He's cute and gay I think.

We'll probably see Disaster Movie or whatever 'cause he's into that... *averts eyes*

How are you?

I recently made a post about a friend of mine going to college and whatever issues I had with that, and it's not that those aren't still real, but I did realize that they aren't the cause of my problems.

I'm not upset that she's going, I'm scared that I'm being left behind.

It's something that I have struggled with for a long time.

When I was 13 my mom left and moved across the country. She told my sisters and me 2 days before she left in a Swiss Chalet. I barely talked to her for almost 4 years.

She told us she would call every Sunday night at 9:00p.m but we were lucky is she called once a month. Sometimes I would stay up til 3:00 with the phone tucked under my pillow waiting for her to call.

I like to say that I'm over it and really, I do forgive her, and I love her, but, I can't forget the situation and the feelings and the fears that have come from it.

I punish people who are doing new things because I'm scared that those things wont include me. I pick fights with them and retreat because if I push them away then they never get a chance to walk away.

I don't know how to fix it or be better.

Was poking around on facebook the other day and found these:




First Grade

I don't look very happy because I hated that teacher (not to mention that terrible outfit my mother made me wear). She was always doing her makeup instead of teaching us. No wonder grade 2, with multiplication, hit me so hard.




Third Grade

I had to sit beside a boy that picked his nose, ALL THE TIME. But my teacher loved me that year. She would always pick me to go on special field trips that could only take select students. It was great.




Fifth Grade....

mmmm, major self esteem issues. All the other girls where prettier than me, smarter than me, better at sports, had nicer clothes... *sighs* I circled my very first crush ever. Yes, baseball sweaters and ninja turtle pants are still a turn-on to me.

My friend keeps talking about moving to college and the awesomeness of it and what not and I'm not happy for her because I keep thinking about how I really wanted that and I couldn't do it because of the money thing.

It's just kind of unfair. Because I worked two jobs through high school and got grades just as good as hers and I still couldn't afford to go to Uni. And her parents are just handing it to her on a silver platter and she gets to stay on campus (her house is like 10 minutes away) and she has never worked at all.

It's kind of painful. And it kind of feels like she is shoving it down my throat. And I know she is excited about it and I should be happy for her and I'm probably (definitely) a selfish jealous bitch but I'm really miserable about the whole thing. *sighs*

I'll have to try to do something extra nice for someone to try to balance my karma...

Um, on another note, Work Sucks. That mother of the volunteer is stalking me and trying to dig up dirt on me and it's starting to grate on my nerves and I just want to cry every time I go there. And my whole department and my mom are on vacation so now I have no one to cry to and I'm alone.

I just want her to leave me alone.

:(

And I think I did something to piss one of my very good friends off because she isn't emailing or facebooking me back...

Do I really suck this much?

I got an email from my boss yesterday saying "the matter is closed". That's it. And no one is going to tell me what happened. So that's... it.... *sighs*

Anyway.

This boy keeps asking me out. And I like him, it's just, well, when I met him he had a girlfriend. And she friend-ed me on facebook.

After they broke up I had lunch with him a couple time but then she wrote this thing about how she just got out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. And it kind of scared me off.

He has been asking me out for the last month. And honestly? I can't really see him as being abusive and I don't know if she is talking through the eyes of a jealous girlfriend or if I am playing with fire.

I don't know if I should just ask her about it or if that is rude an insensitive (but she did post it publicly)... Or just go with the flow see how it goes or just walk away from the situation now.

Thinking on paper...

It's come down to my word against hers.

I'm not worried about what this whole thing says about S or JP or J, I'm worried about what it says about me. And I'm ashamed of it and a selfish person for it and it's taken a lot of thinking to realize it.

I'm worried I'm going to look like a bad trainer/employee/coworker and Christian, disloyal, selfish, a liar. And worried that I'm not going to be liked and that I'm not going to be viewed as sweet and "innocent" as I have been. I think the reason I am so stressed is that I am having a bit of an identity crises and just knowing that helps with the situation (just a little).

It help me to understand my intentions.

I don't intend to hurt J or S by telling the truth that J isn't a good candidate to work in the program. And that doesn't mean I didn't hurt either of them. I don't intend to challenge S and I think she is only trying to do what's best for her daughter and help her and I know that's what my mother would do and I know that it's making it difficult in my department.

I know that I did my best to teach and I think that J probably did her best to learn.

I don't intend to be a scandalmonger by telling JP what S said and I want to be loyal to him so that HIS integrity isn't in question. And I know he doesn't like confrontation and I think that it's important that he deals with this before it goes any further.

The hard part is that they don't care about my identity or my intentions. S wants me to lie and say she never said those things to me about JP. And she wants me to tell JP that J would be perfect for the job so that her daughter has a chance. JP wants me to tell the truth and write a report to Capt. about the incident. He wants me to tell him J isn't a good candidate for the job so that he doesn't have to hire her and have S meddling in the department. I have no idea what J wants.

And I know the answer is simple, right? Just do what I think is right. But the answer to the answer isn't simple because I don't know what's right. Everyone is looking out for themselves, including me, so how do I know if I can trust myself.

Well, then I'll just tell the truth. But there are a lot of versions of the truth too. Based on what information everyone has access to, everyone else's identity, their values, where they come from, what information they choose to focus on and what they ignore. I could tell my truth but then I am still in a battle of credibility.

Alright, this isn't helping. I'm just going to go now and face it all. I can't control what she says or does or how Captain forms his own truth and right. I'll just have to concentrate on what I can control: getting to work on time, helping people to the best of my ability, enjoying my lunch out with C, buying a wedding card for the other C. Tons of other little things that all put together are more meaningful than the one big problem I have been angsting over the last 5 days.

Anyway, sorry if this confused you, annoyed you, bored you to tears. That wasn't my intention.

I love you and thank you for caring enough about me to open it up.

I am very very nervous about going to work today.

After all the problems with the volunteer my boss sent her mother an email on Friday basically saying today will be her last day.

I know there is going to be some major backlash and basically Jennifer and I are going to be in the center of it. I don't want her to get hurt because she really is a nice girl. *sighs*

Confrontation scares me and I have a tendency to make my point then chicken out and say something like, "but it's okay." When it isn't okay. And it's not fair to the other person because it sends mixed messages and in the bottom line makes me look, well, stupid and not confident in where I stand.

Alright, going to stop going on about this because I'm just nervously babbling now and trying to justify things so whatever.

Going to work now.

Yesterday I went to the Vancouver Aquarium to see my baby beluga. She's so beautiful. You can watch her being born on youtube, it's really amazing. The calf is the second calf to be born in captivity in Canada (to survive, her mother being the first) and the first calf to be born second generation in captivity.

Be warned, gonna drop some picspam.

Here she is now 2 months old:









You can watch them here live: http://www.vanaqua.org/belugacam/

And some other pictures:



Don't worry, she tangles herself up in the tether. They like to play with it.

You can see my videos of the male otter here:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=6Gk--ld8sQc

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=bbDZzZC7QK8

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=SCL88IVdjIw

Yesterday when I was waiting for the bus to go to work a motorcyclist was making a right turn at the intersection by my house. He took the corner too sharp and he skidded off his bike.

I went over to help him, no one else was stopping. Lifted the bike off him and moved it to the side of the road, called an ambulance, whatever. His leg was broken pretty bad so I held his hand until the firemen (who are right across the street but decided to drive their firetruck 20 feet to us) came.

But they blocked off the whole intersection to basically my bus didn't come. And so I was pissed. Not necessarily at the biker but at the situation because I was almost 40 minutes late for work.

So here is my question. Does helping someone at first make up for uncompassionate thoughts afterwards?

I'm thinking I might mixing Xanax in my morning tea.

Work has been... trying, this week.

Basically one of the building Director's found out that I am leaving to go back to school and she has pretty much forced her daughter (J) into the program as a volunteer and I am being forced to supervise her.

1. She isn't old enough to be in the building (under 19) and she is putting herself and our more sensitive clients at risk.

2. She is very very very shy and is afraid of clients and answering the phone.

3. She wants to be a hairdresser, not a Legal Assistant and so she isn't very motivated to learn anything.

4. She isn't very.... legally inclined. She has no background, training, or clue about anything legal and it's like trying to re invent the wheel.

And the thing is, it's not that I don't want her to have an opportunity, it's just that I don't think this is the kind of place she is going to find one. And her mother keeps interfering, stopping by every 7.5 minutes to see how it's going.

She keeps asking me why I am not teaching her daughter (our volunteer) this and that, and I try to explain, tactfully, because she insists on asking right in front of J, that it's a work in progress. A very slow progress and a lot of work.

And not I'm not getting my job done and I just don't want to deal with this hassle. J is a very sweet girl but she doesn't want to be here and doesn't have a shot in hell at getting hired in my position.

I just wish her mother would stop sticking her nose in my department.

Stop asking me where my manager is. I don't know. I didn't stick a GPS unit in his shoe. And if I did I still wouldn't tell her because her department is the spawn of evil. And I know J is going to report back to her to tell her everything we are doing.

*sighs*

Do I tell my boss about my concerns about her: spying, lack of effort, shyness, and meddling mother?

Or do I just suck it up and spend the next 2 -3 weeks afraid to take an extra 3 minutes on my lunch break because I know Admin will find out and I'll be interrogated about why I wasn’t using those 2-3 minutes training our volunteer?

I got a new-cycled camera. Thought I would test it out on my favourite subject, Jenny of course.

She kind of doesn't like the flash but she agreed to pose for the last 2 as long as I stopped taking her picture.

(BTW that tacky calendar in the background was put up as a joke.... really...)

Two days later we finally have power again. A transformer blew and started a fire under the city a few blocks away and the Great Vancouver Area had a major power outage since very early Monday morning.

So basically I didn't have to work for 3 days. I really got to know every pen in my stationary holder thing really well. Good times doodling.

Everything was evacuated then closed down so I couldn't find coffee or lunch or anything, anywhere.

But the power came back at 4a.m. today, so yay. I have never been so excited to go to work.

On a side note I have recently developed a Beach Boys obsession...

The weekend was good.

Friday: I was super sick so I spent the day in a coma-like state on the couch. I don't remember much of that day. Except that I randomly logged into Neopets 4 years later. I have never been so successful in my life as I have been in that little virtual neoworld. And I like how they put ‘neo’ in front of everything. Am currently demolishing my jelly/straw house that I built when I was 12. Am building a brick one.

Saturday: Still sick but the sore throat went away. Just couldn’t breath in without serious pain and death wishes. Spent the day trying to make my neopet happy and healthy again after much neglect. It's not working. Finished another Jodi Picoult book, "Plain Truth". It was pretty good.

Sunday: Worked all day. I worked with Marie, who I haven't worked with for like a year. She always makes me laugh, she is also one of those people who, no matter how hard I work, always makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough. I don't know why. It was very very busy in the store all day. Didn't even get a single break. My boss is mad at me again, but I can't post about it on here...

Which leads us to today. Good day so far. My Mom forgot her glasses in my purse and she can't work without them. So it's a good thing we work in the same place and I can just pop into the kitchen on my way upstairs. Will probable steal some orange juice and instant oatmeal.

Why don't I ever have any life changing experiences that I can look at and pin point exactly when I learned a vital lesson? Randy Pausch has like a-hundred-and-fifty of them and I don't have a single one... except the mugging incident in Portland. This is why I would not be a good parent, because I don't really know how I learned what I know. And I think there is a rule somewhere where you have to be able to start parent talks with, "I remember when..."

Anyway, I should go do work now. Which is code for read fanfiction between phone calls and when my boss isn't in the office.

Love ya'alls. If you have a second let me know how you are.

Back to work today. I picked up a summer cold that has reared it's ugly head, all the air conditioning in California me thinks.

Some pictures, here is the link to the facebook album since I am way too lazy to deal with LJ silliness today:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=42733&l=924ad&id=509686636

I can't seem to find my other camera memory stick. It had pictures of Marg and George in their CSI gear. *shrugs* Also I can't find the other bag of souvenirs I bough, *double shrug*.

Me step dad does not believe in Kleenex. He says it is overpriced toilet paper in different packaging. I'm really suffering for that belief right now. They are different. Toilet paper is tearing my nose.

I'm going now.

How are you? What are you having for lunch today? Did you know there is a CSI marathon on SPIKE?

Home From LA. Missed everyone very very very much... except for the neighbour behind me who leaves his wet laundry in his washing machine for weeks and it wreaks so super bad.

Will post some pictures later.

I did no meet Jorja, *sighs* see the tears? BUT I did meet Marg.... I will admit grudgingly that she is pretty nice...

Did no get to see the set even though I was super sneaky. They call it the Can’t See Inside set. And so I lodged a complaint and all I got for it was a promise that they would remove the part from their website where it implied I could. Like that helped my cause at all.

BUT…

Got to see them film CSI twice, once at a storage facility and once at a graveyard. The latter I saw Jorja but no one was in black so they were not really filming, just standing around.

Umm, okay, gotta go unpack.

Love you.

How are you?

Exam in 4 hours. Have been studying and practicing since 5 this morning.

If I get a copy of the visual portion I will post the video later.

After tonight only 1 more class.

How are you?

My little sister and I discovered the phone number to an elevator over the weekend, (604) 515-0387 if you are interested; this led to countless hours of entertainment.

People in elevators are so unpredictable. Sometimes they are so friendly and informative, sometimes they're rude (or terribly frightened) and sometimes they are just plain not English speaking.

My favourite person was the last person we talked to:

Elevator Patron Male (EMP): Ummm, where are you calling from?
Me: My house.
EMP: Oh... how?
Me: Honestly? I have no idea. Misdial that went terribly right.
EMP: Are you tripping?
Me: I'm not a drug addict. I'm just immature.
EMP: This is my stop. I'm getting off. It was nice talking to you.
Me: Thanks. You too.
EMP: *leaves*
Me: lolZ!

*sighs*

Those were some good times.

If you ever discover the number to an elevator I strongly encourage you to experiment.

Today, is a good day. I can feel it. And it's definitely better than yesterday where I had a really bad headache all day and then they decided to test the fire alarms for a couple hours in the afternoon.

But today, is a good day. I didn't bother straightening my hair because it's raining so that gave me an excuse to sleep in an extra 40 minutes. I am having lunch with my favourite lawyer. I remembered to take my Sodium Fluoride today, so my doctor wont smack my fingers, and I get to go to the post office to mail stuff. Only 3 more classes until my exams and then I have my evenings free again.

Please read "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch: It's beautiful, amazing, touching, brilliant... You can even borrow my copy if you promise to mail it back to me when you are finished.

You can watch him here if you have an hour and fourty-four minutes:





So is today a good day for you??

I just had the conversation with my boss where I had to quit the program. It went okay. I didn't cry but I think that it isn't real yet. He agreed to keep me on until September. He got a little teary eyed which surprised me, didn't really think I am worth any tears. Hopefully I will be able to stay on as a volunteer and maybe even work again next summer.